Okay, friends, I am clutching my pearls, because Madison is about to tell Peter about her virginity. But that aside, is anyone else loving her pantsuit as much as I do?? It’s FAB!! Okay, here goes, Madison tells Peter that “Next week, if you were to sleep with someone else, that would be, like, really hard for me to move forward with this.” Once again, Peter needs clarification. “So what are you sayin’?” The “Wait. What? Huh?” look is plastered on his face. Madison is hemming and hawing in her answer to him. She doesn’t want to tell him not to sleep with other people because she doesn’t want to give him an ultimatum, but she does say that actions speak louder than words. Peter tells her, “But, you KNOW how much you mean to me.” Well, sweet Pete, I’m kind of with her on this one. If you really like her, you don’t have to break your windmill record with the other two. Last week, you didn’t say you were FALLING in love with her. You said, “I LOVE Madison.” So it seems like a no-brainer to me.
Next, Pete tells the camera that he’s frustrated because the other two are telling him that they love him, but Madi’s not. Is it just me or do you all think that Little Peter is thinking more than Big Peter here? I do. He’s only thinking about Fantasy Suites. He acts like his lust for sex is all part of his Cuban heritage, and he can’t help it as he pounds his chest and says, “Petey must have sex. Lots of sex.”
Okay, all the girls are staying in the same place for fantasy suite week, so completely awkward. Just when you think it can’t get any more awkward, Petey walks in and with an Australian accent, says, “G’Day Sheilas.” If you go to the Outback, they have “sheilas” on the girl’s restroom door, so I got where he was going, but his accent was annoying.
Peter takes Hannah Ann out first. He tells her he’s falling in love with her. And she tells him that means a lot. But, does it? She says it as if someone brought her over a needed cup of sugar. Hey, thanks, Neighbor Smith, that means a lot.
Victoria and Madison are back at the hotel talking and Victoria asks Madi what she was talking to sweet Pete about. Madison gives nothing away to EFF, who tells Madison how important it is for Peter to sleep with all of them because that’s an important part of determining their love. Oh Eff, who hurt you? Love and sex are not necessarily the same, precious girl. I hope one day you find a committed and safe relationship.,
Peter and Hannah Ann meet up for dinner before the suites. HA is wearing a beautiful dress, but she’s holding the sides of it like a little girl playing dress-up. Peter tells her he can see the two of them doing this the rest of their lives, and Hannah Ann in her best baby doll voice, says, “I really, really do too.” Oh Fairy Godmother, please make my wishes come true.
Peter also tells HA that her dad told him not to tell her that he’s falling in love with her. Peter basically gives the big middle finger to dad and says there’s no way he’s not going to tell Hannah Ann, because he IS falling in love with her. AND, I’m pretty sure they are going to do the nasty since Peter loves him some hanky panky and has convinced himself that the lack of any emotion on Hannah Ann’s face equates to love. Peter calls Hannah a “perfect woman.” They then get down to the bidness of the Fantasy Suites; WAIT! What’s the haps in the shower?? It’s like the shower scene in Psycho! I can’t tell if there’s love-making or murder happening in there!! Yikes, Hannah Ann….
Peter is with Eff, and says he’s still fighting for her, but what I want Pete to know is that love should not be a constant fight. They go up in a helicopter, and what’s this? I thought Eff was afraid of flying? Nope. Forget the Fantasy Suites, they’re going to make the Mile High Club right inside the helo. Pete says it will never be boring with Victoria. Probably true, but there are worse things than boring, am I right? I’d rather be bored than worried every second I didn’t have eyes on her that she was getting cozy with someone else.
Eff doesn’t want Pete to give up on her. Little Pete definitely wants to meet little Victoria, so there will be no giving up on her until after the Fantasy Suites. No danger there.
Meanwhile, Madison confesses to Hannah Ann the ultimatum she gave Peter. Hannah Ann is disgusted with Madison but doesn’t say anything to Madison. Off camera, she says they all knew what they signed up for, so that is not something Madison should be asking of Pete. Point to Hannah Ann.
Oh my goodness, I am just going to fast forward Peter and Eff’s dinner date because if I have to hear about their feels for one more second, I may ban the Bachelor forever, and I don’t want to do that. Here’s the short of it, Petey. Victoria needs therapy. You are NOT a therapist, so leave her alone. You are someone who’s probably going to dump her by the end of the show and that’s just going to add to her neediness, so stop being Dr. Phil! Of course, nothing will stop Petey from going to the Fantasy Suite with this vixen. He gives her the FS card, and they head up there with Eff screeching, “This is so pretty” in her best baby voice. Pete gets right to work and starts making out with Victoria, because let’s be honest, that’s why he kept her around, right?
Back at the hotel, Madi and Hannah Ann are talking. Hannah Ann tries to be the voice of reason. She tells Madison that “If Victoria is coming back this morning, than they were at a good place.” Translation: ‘Madison, you fool, if we are coming back in the morning, we are doing the walk of shame, and we have slept with him.’ Madison asks Victoria if she felt the date gave her clarity, and Eff responds, “Yeah, it was productive.” There are several ways one could take that. I’m just going to err on the side of caution and assume she meant with her and Pete’s whole communication problem.
Madison and Peter are now on their date and they are headed to the top of some incredibly tall building. They get to the 77th floor…okay, squirrel, sweet Madison’s eyelashes are INCREDIBLY LONG! Is she taking Latisse? Back to the show….Whoa, they are on the outside of the building, climbing 13 flights of stairs to the 90th floor, and even Marine Mike, the love of my life, could NOT have made me do that. No way, no how. Madison says that she wants to talk to Peter about SO much but he just starts making out with her so she can’t talk.
Back at the hotel, Hannah Ann spills the beans to Victoria about her chat with Madison. Victoria is very irritated that Madison gave Peter an ultimatum about sleeping with them. Apparently, Eff’s not used to that. The gal sleeps with who she wants, when she wants. She don’t care ‘bout no stinking ultimatum.
Madison and Peter are heading to the good part….Peter tells her he’s crazy for her. He then follows that by telling her that he was torn after she told him not to sleep with others. He lets her know she made life hard for him. Let’s look back at the show, peeps. Did he really have a hard time on his dates with the other girls because of Madison? No. He did not. He’s lying and trying to give himself an excuse for sleeping with the other gals.
Madison tells him that she is saving herself for marriage. He tells her how beautiful that is and how he respects that, but that isn’t him. Not the way our sweet Pete rolls. He asks her if she would walk away from their relationship because of what he did with the other girls. Madison basically tells him yes while Pete eyes her warily. I mean, Pete, I don’t know how much clearer she can make this. I think she’s actually being really nice about this, and she gave you a heads up at the airplane hangar about her feelings. Pete was living by the old adage, “I’d rather ask forgiveness than permission.” Am I right?
He tells Madison that he HAS been intimate and he can’t lie to her about that. Oh Peter, you only had to hold off for a few days, and you could have had your sweet Madison. Well, I guess you wouldn’t have HAD her, but she could have been your bride. He’s telling her he could 100% see them together at the end, but THEN, huh? He tells her he could see that with OTHER people, too. Madison taps her nails against her teeth and asks to be excused for, like, a second. Peter and Madison are both crying. Honestly, I know this show has drama, but this season it’s just been depressing.
Madison says she’s frustrated and mad at Peter, but what’s funny is she’s side-skirting the issue that he says he’s in love with the other girls, too. Peter goes out to talk to her and he apologizes to her, but he’s ALWAYS apologizing, so it doesn’t seem sincere to me. Madison tells him, she’s like, really hurt, and she, like, can’t change who she is, and she doesn’t want to, like, feel bad, for being like, who she is. I’m with you girl. She says she wants to just walk away. Peter is begging her not to. He knows that he hurt her, but….Oh Petey, you did what you wanted and now you have to pay the piper. Madison walks away.
Outtakes: Peter says he feels really good about Victoria, and then turns around because he’s scared to death of a monkey the size of a squirrel climbing on a tree behind him. Victoria pops out, and Petey’s scared. Then he realizes he shouldn’t be scared and he asks Eff why he’s scared. They giggle and he starts feeling her up. Bobs out.