Listen to Your Heart, Opening Night!!

“Lives will change keys”-Chris Harrison

Brandon says he’s an ex-scout sniper for the Marine Corps and “it was scary,” said no real Marine ever, trust me. I have lived with Marine Mike for 27 years and I have yet to hear those words about anything. Also, he’s wearing an empty shell casing around his neck to highlight the scary nature of his ex-job. Not scary enough to not want to be reminded of it every time he puts the necklace on. He wants to find THE ONE.

Bri from Provo Utah has a ton of nieces and nephews; in search of husband and sister wives (or insert polygamy joke of your choice)

Sheridan- his Subaru Outback is his one true love. Now, that’s scary. Ouch, he banged his head while trying to squeeze into the hatchback. Looks like Guy Fawkes meets Steam Punk.

We’re introduced to Becca, who starts chanting Stuart Smalley’s daily affirmation into the mirror, “You deserve love, you need to be loved. You love really well.”

Gabe-Christian man, street singer.

Savannah-Free spirit; translation: drinks and does drugs A LOT; she will not look this good in 5 years; could pass for 35 instead of 25; more suited for Bret Michaels and Rock of Love than for any guy on this show

Trevor, in love with his dog, says he’s romantic, also tried out for American Idol; Katy Perry says, “You’re so hot.” I’m doubting the romantic angle since he’s been on every music reality show to advance his music career, so I feel like music’s his focus, not love. After he doesn’t get a rose, he should head to the Voice.

Jamie, 21, she’s been on 100 dates, but every guy she’s ever dated has cheated on her. After 5 minutes I can see why. She es muy loco.

Here they all come to the mansion to meet Chris. Jamie’s the first one to arrive at the Bachelor mansion. Some guy walks in that looks John Mayer-ish. His name is Ryan. Matt arrives next, looks a little like a teeny, tiny Travis Kelce. When he walks in, he says, “I recognize that guy, what’s his name “Chris Hansworth, Chris Hemsworth, what’s his name?” Yes, Matt, Thor is the host of this show.

Jamie just gets finished saying that she doesn’t want drama. Cue drama. Motorcycle music plays and in walks Savannah, who’s 25, but looks like a lovely 35. More girls and guys start pouring in. Jamie and Ryan go off alone and start to chat and Ryan dives immediately into his story. He had seizures and then brain surgery at age 6. Jamie tells him she’s sorry, and he says, no it was awesome. This confuses Jamie who says, “Awesome?” and he says, “it gave me a whole new perspective on life.” At 6 years old, he was able to get a whole new perspective. I’m just surprised he had a perspective prior to that.

Rudi (AKA Boner Garage) comes in and she’s dated “like all of LA already” and wants to know where the good ones are. Oh Boner Garage, you have just outed yourself as a big hooker

These women are so intense. They’re like screaming their words for impact. I’m just annoyed.

Whoa, a nameless chick walks in, and Honestly, she looks like death warmed over. Or she’s missing her back teeth causing her cheeks to cave in. Think Morticia Adams or Post-AIDS Freddie Mercury. Wait, is that Bri?

So down to fundamentals. There are 12 boys and 8 girls. The girls are giving the roses this time. Trevor (he’s a math guy) just figured out that there are “obviously” more girls than guys, so guys will be the ones going home. Well, they ARE music people not math people, so you can’t blame them.

Julia and Sheridan head outside for a chat. Julia talks about how non-musical guys don’t get her. Sheridan comes across with a Guy Fawkes vibe in a circa 1600 chapeau. He’s just thrilled that Julia even speaks to him.

Can I just point out that not one person on this show is as nice-looking as any of the Bachelor people? I’m just going to say it. Bachelor Rejects.

Matt lures Boner Garage (BG aka Rudi) into the hot tub. Which between the two of us, was NOT difficult. I mean, when you’ve dated ALL the guys in LA, you gotta know the ropes, right? So Matt’s trying to talk her into a little kissy, and BG, who has had more to drink than a lady should, starts giggling, and says, “Like, we should wait, because, like, I look crazy, like, right now. But, in high school, like they called me ‘Boner Garage,’ so, like, let’s not totally, like rule it out.” I’m paraphrasing of course.

Next, Jamie and Ryan make out and Jamie talks about how much she likes him. Then she moves on to Trevor and says how much she likes him. She proves herself to also be a Boner Garage and makes out with Trevor in the hot tub. BG 1, meet BG 2.

Jamie and Ryan have the first date together and head to Capitol records where a Grammy-nominated producer is going to record them singing John Mayer’s “Gravity.” This excited Ryan to no end, because he has obviously modeled his whole look/life on John Mayer. He clutches his heart, while pointing out his obvious love for JM.

Matt gets the next date and asks Mel if she’ll come talk, but then also converses with Rudi. He ends up asking Mel, which makes Rudi really sad.

Ryan and Jamie are singing. Jamie is talking about how great Ryan is, but you know she’s still thinking about her time with Trevor in the hot tub. Then she’s making out with Ryan and they flash to sweet Trevor, alone and lonely at the mansion. Don’t worry, Trevs, she’ll be coming back soon to make out with you in the hot tub.

Rudi is irritated because Matt told her he wanted to go on the date with her but picked Mel instead. Matt and Mel are on their date and walk into a backyard concert where the Plain White T’s are playing. Coincidence?

Matt gets back and tries to talk to Rudi since Mel is off with someone else. Rudi then gives him a piece of her mind, which believes me, is in short supply. The Boner Garage is closed for business, at least to -Matt…for now.

Rose Ceremony:

Savannah comes up to give the first rose. I’m reminded of the scene from Gone with the Wind when Scarlett O’Hara makes her dress out of the green curtains, except in this story, Scarlett is a big ho and loves dive bars. Is anyone else getting that vibe? She chooses Brandon the Scout Sniper.

Can I ask a question? Why is Trev in a corduroy Levi jacket? It just doesn’t seem to belong. Better to look good than feel good I guess.

Okay, Jamie picks Trevor, which leaves Ryan/Poor man’s John Mayer still standing. Rudi is the last woman to give out a rose but will not be the last to give out HER rose *WINK* and she decides to save Ryan. I’ll be honest, I think Ryan sings really well, so I’m glad he’s still there.

Okay, so a bunch of random guys who we barely knew were even there are now gone. Eight couples are paired up. Next week, more women arrive and the men are passing out roses. Okay, they’ve caught my attention. I’ll keep watching. Murrell out.

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