Four Couples Left on Bachelor: LTYH!!

I have plenty of alcohol and ice cream, so I am ready to go. I also have a large barf bag right next to me, because this show tends to produce nausea.

Chris H comes in and announces that their lives are about to change…they need to pack their bags, because they’re headed to…..VEGAS!! Friends, Vegas is literally about 3 hours down the road. They are reacting as if they’re headed to Moulin Rouge in Paris. They really need to get out more.

The couples each get their own tour buses which is kind of cool. Rudi has some serious mouth diarrhea and Matt is a little worried that Rudi might spin out of control in Vegas, and folks, I can totally see that.

Bri and Chris are more in love than ever, but honestly, I just want him to break out some chocolate and pizza and feed her. The girl needs a meal.

Next, we’re with Trevor and Jamie. Trevor just wants to let Jamie know how he feels about her, and he wants to do it with song. Of course he does, folks. Trevor wants to convince us that he has put aside his playboy ways and he’s all in for Jamie. False. He’s all in for Trevor AND WINNING THIS SHOW, and Jamie is his meal ticket to do that. Trevor and Jamie stop for refreshments and Trevor LITERALLY pulls a GIANT cloth rose out of his bum and presents it to Jamie. She accepts.

Matt and Rudi make a stop at the bottle tree ranch, which is a bunch of dead, old trees with colorful bottles hanging from them. Kind of cool.

Everyone starts to arrive in Vegas. Jamie is still carrying her rose around, which is somewhat bothersome. Let’s be real, in this time of COVID-19 (drink because I said that term), I’m about nothing if not about sterilizing. I definitely think a cloth rose that’s been stuffed down the back of someone’s pants is worthy of a spritz of Lysol.

Rudi and Matt still haven’t shown up in Vegas and everyone is very concerned about them. Cut to a tiny motel in Nipton, CA (?) where Rudi and Matt are celebrating their love in a tiny desert motel.

Chris and Bri are invited to a wedding chapel in Vegas, When they get there, a strange Carol Kane-ish (think Scrooged, Princess Bride, etc)-type woman comes out and asks them to sing at a very special couple’s wedding. I’m thinking some celebs are going to walk out, but no, another mixed-race couple walks out. Not that they aren’t special in their own right, but I found it sort of weird that they were labeled as special. Love who you love, people, I don’t think your race makes any difference as to the depth of your feelings.

Here’s something sad…Rudi is getting relationship advice from 21 year old Jamie. If you recall, Jamie has never dated someone who didn’t cheat on her, and she’s dated like, at least, a hundred guys. That’s a pretty bad average there. I mean, if we had a pandemic come through with those odds, that would be something I might pay attention to. Jamie’s encouraging Rudi to tell Matt she loves him. DON’T DO IT, RUDI!! Get out of your head, and just go with the beautiful flow that is sweet Matt. Ugh, she’s not listening to me.

Trevor and Jamie are at the Las Vegas T-Mobile Arena and Jamie is having her dream date going ice skating with Trev. Trev has grown up playing ice hockey his whole life, so he definitely lucked out here. Jamie’s braver than I would be on skates. I would literally be crawling along the wall and holding on. Like I used to in sixth grade when the class would go roller skating. And then there was the time that Sammy Schaeffer asked me to skate, and I said yes, and decided I would just go balls to the wall and skate my heart out, but instead, I ended up flying off into the middle of the rink on my butt and got up and searched for my friend, The Wall, found him, crawled to the benches, and took my skates off and stormed home. I don’t like skating.

Okay, my roller skating story took a left turn. Meanwhile, Trevor and Jamie tell each other that they are starting to fall in love with each other. Big whoop. I’m STARTING to fall in love with Salt and Vinegar chips, but once Honey Barbecue rear their beautiful heads, I’m switching back to them. You know?

Matt and Rudi go see Shaggy. Honestly folks, I have no idea. I had to look him up. He’s a Jamaican reggae singer. According to Wikipedia, he scored hits with the songs “It Wasn’t Me”, “Boombastic”, “In The Summertime”, “Oh Carolina”, and “Angel.” So that’s Shaggy. They have a great date, and Rudi decides to RUIN it by telling Matt that she’s falling for him. WHOA, the temperature in the room dropped like 40 degrees. Matt responds in the absolute coldest way. He says, “You’re very courageous for speaking your truth, and I appreciate you doing that. So….” and that’s it!! Can you imagine being told that on national television???? He just slept with her the night before, and then he tells her she’s brave for speaking her truth today. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT ALONE, RUDI!! Matt actually seems decent (although he should NOT have slept with her), but he’s trying not to get swept up by the moment and say something he may regret. I get it, but I still feel sorry for Rudi.

Ryan and Natascha look like they are getting ready to do some construction work. Fun date.

The songs are being passed out, so we’re going through the practice sessions. Rudi lays moping in the corner, all depressed because she decided to open her big mouth when she shouldn’t have. Rudi needs to stop, because I really think she has one of the best voices on the show, and she needs to get it together for that, if nothing else.

The judges tonight are: Arie and Lauren Luyendyk, Patrick Monahan from Train….folks, I want to stop here. I’m sure Patrick is a lovely man, but right now, I want you to picture Jason Bateman with his hair all spiked out and crazy, and that is Patrick Monahan…..and now, we return to our regularly scheduled program….The last judges are Ashley Simpson-Ross and her husband, Evan Ross. The couples are not only judged by their singing, but also on their love connection, hence the presence of Arie and Lauren. Friends, let’s be real though, would Arie be an expert in recognizing a love connection? If we’re being honest, he’s had some struggles in that department.

Chris and Bri sing Elvis’ “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You.” Arie felt like Bri had hearts coming out of her eyes. He ain’t wrong there, she’s totally into Chris.

For once, Jamie isn’t crying and scared. She’s wallowing in the love that she believes she and Trevor have. Poor thing. She’s always touching Trev’s face. He’s going to have to put the kibosh on that with The Covid (drink). They sing Lady Antebellum’s “Just a Kiss.” Patrick Monahan tells Jamie she’s nervous and awkward, but he loved it. Me no understandy.

Natascha and Ryan are singing Beyonce and Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect.” Here’s the thing, they decided to change it up and make it move faster. I don’t know the song at all, but it seems that they were the only two who were jazzing it up. The rest of the band seemed to be strumming along at original speed. Personally, I wouldn’t have messed with Ed Sheeran and Beyonce, but that’s just me. Of course, to prove their love, they start making out as soon as it’s over. Patrick Monahan said they were doing two separate performances. I concur. Arie thought it was a performance and they were just acting. I concur. Evan and Ashley weren’t loving it either. It was a really weird number.

Rudi and Matt sing Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s “Shallow.” These two are my faves. Sweet Rudi has come a LONG way, friends. In the beginning, she was known as Boner Garage, only because she had claimed to date every guy in LA, which is quite an accomplishment. Now, she just seems like a hooker with a heart of gold, who’s looking for love in all the right places. I dig her, and she will be happy to know, I have just followed her on Instagram.

Rose Ceremony: About 100% positive that Ryan and Natascha are going home, but let’s see….

1st rose: Jamie and Trevor; 2nd rose: Rudi and Matt; Final rose: Chris and Bri…..which means, as usual, I WAS RIGHT!! Ryan and Natascha are hitting the road. That will teach them not to mess with Queen B and Eddy She, right?

Natascha is being unreasonably hard on herself. Ryan wants to continue his relationship with Natascha, so who knows? Maybe a love connection after all.

Chris tells the remaining couples that they are heading to Music City aka Nashville, USA. They all jump and scream as if they’ve won an all expenses paid trip around the world. Honestly, these people really need to take some road trips. Murrell out.

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